Rules for Ranters

Participants compete for prizes by giving a 3 minute rant on the state of the world, and why things are messed up.
Participants will be judged by an impartial panel based on the following criteria:

- Passion (Swearing? Yelling?)

- Content (current affairs preferred over the fight between Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, though lost points here could be made up in nonlinearity and creative blaming)

- Humor (take it seriously, but give it some zing- i.e. Chihuahuas versus Hummers)

- Ridiculous metaphors (i.e. Bush’s foreign policy is _____)

- Esoteric References (naming the specific guard you hate at Abu Ghraib is better than just mentioning Abu Ghraib)

- Relevance (Botswana’s export tariffs are upsetting, but remember to bring it back to the main point)

- Creative blaming (Dubya is indeed responsible for Hurricane Katrina, but little did you know that Jenna Bush is even more at fault)

- Nonlinearity (ex: how is the wine factory proposed on Gold Ridge Road related to Rupert Murdoch’s consolidation of the media)

- Satire/ Parody (ex: facial expressions and impressions of the usual evil suspects)

- Gestures (Scalia-type performance art, foam middle fingers welcome)

- Density (how much of the above can you pack into 3 minutes?)

Tips for Ranters

Remember to alternate between bile, venom, and humor. Like a fine souffle, a quality rant needs just the right amount of ingredients to turn out right. The difference between bile and venom is subtle, but can be discerned during public comment at your local City Council meeting. It is also an art to be able to rant like Greg Palast without falling into regrettable Jenkel-ism.

The following rants were delivered at the 1st ever Rant-a-thon on July 28th, 2006.

The Rant-thon Theme Song:

"You Need to Rant"

Special thanks to Larry H. and Kimberly B. for this excellent song which led off the Rant-a-thon on July 28th:

You Need to Rant

(Intro: Harmonica)

Are you an avid Eco-Activist?
Or are you an old closet Socialist?

If so, you need to Rant, Rant
And don't tell me you can't.

Do you have pent up hostility?
Or deep feelings of futility?

If so, you need to Rant, Rant
And don't tell me you can't.

Do you have political frustrations?
Or have no more Bush regime patience?

If so, you need to Rant, Rant
And don't tell me you can't.

It's a healthy thing to get it all out
It will make a difference without a doubt

If so, you need to Rant, Rant
Don't tell me you can't.
So just Rant, Rant
And don't tell me you caaaaan't.

The Judge

Just like in American Idol, the Rantathon had celebrity judges.

You may not know it, but this gentleman is a Sebastopol celebrity.

Given his position in the local community, he is subjected to public expressions of venom and bile on a regular basis. This made him a very well-qualified judge of the Rantathon.

David's Rant

Other ranters complained that David had an unfair advantage. In his elected position in Petaluma, he had heard public venom and bile for the past 4 years, so he knew what the judges expected. Also, he hosts a radio show, where he is a professional ranter.

His rant was loud, and he used the word "pissed" many times.

David made it to the semi-finals.

The Horned Chicken Man Rant

Photo caption: The Horned Chicken Man rants and struggles with the bailiff at the Rant-a-thon. Note the bailiff is a practicing Buddhist, and another celebrity of Sebastopol. The Horned Chicken Man was definintely the biggest challenge the balliff faced that day.

The following rant was delivered, in part, at the 1st ever Rant-a-thon on July 28th, 2006 by Shepherd Bliss, sb3@pon.net, accompanied by musician Russell Sutter. Allies—Jack, John, Jeff, Leslie, Maggie, etc. adding chicken sounds.

(Props—chickens, cages, blanket, shofar, mask, black coat, cane.)

*This is not a poem. The line breaks make it easier for old eyes to read at the Rant-a-thon and helps me remember when to pause, pause, pause.

BLOW SHOFAR LOUDLY (bringing in animal presence with the ram’s horn, to which Russell adds whistle and flute sounds.)

I attended a Council of All Beings on the land I share with other creatures.
Most didn’t want a human at the Council.
The critters complained about the damage humans do.
They want us off the Earth.

Chicken spoke up for me personally,
So they let me observe.
Chickens are my allies.
If you consider chickens as your allies,
Let us know by sounds or movements of solidarity.

The Council assigned me the task of translating into your arrogant human talk.
I was given these notes—so I might get the Council’s
Collective thinking correct.

The flock where I live likes music,
And refer to themselves as the Dixie Chicks.
This is Lacey, a little nervous among so many humans
And 2 bantams new to the flock.

The critters call me Horned Chicken Man—Or Horney for short.
The horns help me protect animals and plants from predators—
mainly humans,
Who prey on them, eat them, destroy their habitat.
Gopher and badger were at the Council,
Digging holes to get away from you.

Cougar kept her distance.
Many insects—buzzing, crawling, creeping.

Berries were vocal.
They want more water.
You take too much water.
You pollute it for the rest of us.

Apple said she wants water also—
No more of your dry farming.

Quail bobbed around,
Lichen and fungus listened.
Oak was sturdy
Redwood kept dancing with wind.

Chicken was elected to represent the Council as Power Animal.
So I offer you a chicken perspective on humans.
Chicken Wisdom you might call it.
The Council sent chickens to observe

This Human Council
The Council of All Beings was real democracy—
Not American democracy.
One creature—one vote,
Regardless of color, size, age, or whatever.
No Diebold machines…No millionaires…No movie stars.

You think that chickens have a pecking order.
Check out the human pecking order—
By gender, class, race, nationality.

At least chickens have real cocks,
Not like that imitation cock that Americans have as president.

He’s a bully.
Chicken hawks they call the Neo-Cons.
Don’t take our good name in vain. (wave cane)

Remember that classic question.
“Which came first—the chicken or… the human?”
Chickens were here before you arrived.
They are our ancestors.
Chickens will be here long after humans destroy ourselves,
Unless we blow everything up.
Chickens and their allies
Are ready to come home to roost,
So move aside,
Unless you can behave yourselves,
Which we doubt.
So fly your Earthly coup in some space ship
And leave the planet to the chickens and other creatures.

Avian Flu…and other little creatures,
viruses like AIDS--were honored guests at the Council.

Perhaps they can clean the place
Of you foul creatures without damaging all of us.

You spoil your nest,
Which is also our nest,
And then talk down to us.
You smug environmentalists,
Climate change activists, Peak Oilers, liberals, and radicals--
You’re all part of the problem.
You think you are so good—with your Priuses.
Give us a break.
Piss on your phallic Prius hybirds
And those silly bio-diesel fuels.
Give me a low-bird any day.

WHEN THEY TRY TO GET ME OFF

Our 3 human minutes are up.
No, your time is up.
We’re not gonna willingly get off this soap box.
We’ve got a few more things to say to you humans.
You seldom listen.

(Use cane to fight off bouncers.)

I want to get to the sex part,where we talk about real cocks.
Can you give me another minute?

You think you’re so smart.
Zeno, for example—with his European pedigree and degree in logic.
He doesn’t even like Caribbean music.
What does he know about worms—that’s what’s important.
Chicken Little was right--the sky is falling.
Cowardly state terrorists drop bombs from the skies
On innocent brown-skinned civilians in Afghanistan, Iraq & Lebaonon,
Including deliberately targeting UN peacekeepers & Red Cross vehicles.

Chicken asked me to add a personal note about sex—
“What do humans know about sex?” she said.
“Big Red mounts me all day—what a cock.
Every time I shake, it’s a multiple orgasm.”

“Meanwhile, your cocky president
Struts about destroying the world.
And millions of you voted for that rooster.
How smart was that?”

The hens all agree that humans need more sex
And less shopping.
Make love, consume less.

Humans aren’t even good ranters,
Myself included.
Chickens, on the other hand….

Come on, let’s hear your inner chickens rant.
Let it out.

OK, Lacey and you little bantam friends,radiate your love and aloha.
Chickens are love birds,
We need their Prey Wisdom.
Act like a flock,
Not only like individual humans,
And maybe we will make it.

Or as the great ecologist Aldo Leopold writes,
“Think like a… Chicken.”

Alooooha.

-Shepherd

Lindsay's Rant

Ranting can be exhausting.

Lindsay is a certified Eco-Babe. She is also known as Betty Biodiesel.

She was commended by the judge for innovative props, and for distributing chocolate.

Sandlerbrau's Rant

OK, Sandlerbrau, time to go.

Sandlerbrau’s rant:

Shouts out to Lewis Black, Jon Stewart, Gonzo from the Muppets, Randi Rhodes from Air America, Lynn H.- who has ranted at me for 365 days times 4 and half years- and to the poor young interns I’ve ranted at, who came in to my office peaceful and happy and left with a burning righteous anger, ready to form non-profits, run for office, and deliver public comment with their middle finger and a fax machine. Here we go…

Topics:

Rumsfeld’s sexual dysfunction
- could have taken Viagra instead of invading Iraq. Sex got us through the 90s with Bob Dole and Clinton. Thats the main difference between this decade and last. Ironically, they didn’t have Viagra last decade…hmmm…
- Hummers mirror American foreign policy -
- simplistic American culture= broadcasting insecurity
- invading Iraq was Rumsfeld’s version of Tom Cruise bouncing on the couch

$500 billion military budget
- This pisses me off
- Imagine what we could do with $50 billion for any of our causes
- The largest single entity in our country is the Defense department, bigger than any company, and university, and organization
- ½ of the total Federal budget, the other main parts are entitlements and they are being whittled away by Repubs, but why isn’t anyone whittling away at the Rumsfeld budget? The only fuckin consensus item in this country is that killing people overseas is a high priority. Guns, Germs, and Steel.
- I don’t want to whittle the $500 billion, I want to dismantle it, because I have plans for that money and it doesn’t involve guns and bombs.
- Imagine what we could do at the local level with $500 billion.

Cheney was behind the Anthrax mailing
- he had the motive
- who was it sent to- Daschle and Leahy and the liberal media
- why haven’t we found the perpetrator?
- It was a cover up
- Why doesn’t anyone remember it and ask the question?
- The movies 'V for Vendetta' and 'Resident Evil' both proved that Cheney did it. Natalie Portman and Milla Jovovich are the key witnesses. I’d like to head up that investigation. I'd subpoena them (sp?).

Weakness in the Democratic party
- don’t take it out on the Greens- our job is to show the Dems their weaknesses. We’re like the scale when you’re on a diet, or like a mirror- this should be a call to action, not denial
- why do Dems hate Greens more than Republicans hate greens? It’s like you’re taking out your aggression on the messenger, but what you need to do is ask the messenger to help you get into the boss’s house and free the slaves.
- Can the Greens and Dems figure out a way to cooperate? I mean, I like Lynn Woolsey and in early 2004 I liked Howard Dean.
- But I hate Dianne Feinstein. We must take her out, no doubt.
- We need to focus on changing the system not keeping each other down. Is that ranty, or just preachy?

Why do Dems hate Greens so much?
- shouldn’t they hate Repubs more? Repubs have actual power, and are doing bad things. Greens have no power (except in Seb) and if they did, they would be using it to advance a progressive agenda.
- Nader is not the devil- Dick Cheney is.
- Doesn’t a progressive agenda mean being inclusive and liking diversity? Apparently not in electoral issues.
- 3rd parties are accepted in Latin America and Europe
- Instant Runoff voting and proportional representation needs to be a priority. Whether ballots are rigged by Choicepoint, if I have to write in my candidate and my candidate is not allowed into the debates, then I’ve been excluded from the process even before the vote is rigged.
- Now for the kicker, where I reach out to the Dems for solidarity: My real goal is to make the Repubs a 3rd party, and have the Greens and Dems the oppressive 2 parties in a 2 party system. (This sort of happened when the Green candidate for CA Superintendent of Schools Sarah Knopp received more votes than the Repub candidate- just recently on June 2, 2006)

The media- see 'America: the Book' page 131

Homeland security- aka butt raping
- Instead of airplane security anal probing me, why don’t we have health care workers who give out literature about heart disease, the #1 killer in America, even ahead of Osama bin Laden. Heart disease is the real killer. Look at the numbers. We need to put a turban and a beard on heart disease.
- 3,000 people. That’s a small number. It was sad, even ask Oliver Stone. I cried, no doubt. But guess what? More people just died in the past few minutes of malnutrition and lack of sanitation and clean water in the 3rd world. Millions of species are dying from climate change. That is even sadder, but way less is being done, and the nation is not being mobilized to do anything about it. Except go shopping and buy more stuff produced in sweatshops.
- National priorities- oops, an oxymoron.

And final shouts out- to Ann H. for being the Samuel Alito of the Rant-a thon; I think Sam P. was the Scalia- writing the majority opinion every time. You’re welcome, it’s a compliment, no it isn’t, I hate Samuel Alito, let me tell you why in the next 3 minutes, what, my time is up? I’m just getting started. OK, more shouts out. My 6th grade teacher who made us watch the movie Ghandi, which showed me how to do civil disobedience like continuing to rant even though my time is up...and...mmmpph...

At this point, Sandlerbrau was forcibly removed from the stage.

One of the main inspirations for the Rantathon is in this picture. Her ranting is unsurpassed. If she had competed, there would have been no competition. Maybe next time.

Special thanks to Ann H. and Lynn H.

Ranting- coming to a blog near you. Yes, Rumsfeld Invaders, always innovating. We should patent the Blog Rant. We'll make millions. No one has ever ranted on a Blog before. Genius!

Other Creative Protests from Rumsfeld Invaders: Chihuahuas Against Hummers and the Million Finger March